Bag O' Tricks

There was an old cartoon character called Felix the Cat. Felix was a naughty lil' fellow whose claim to fame was a "bag of tricks."

In order to hone my skills as a member of the LOST (Legion of Substitute Teachers), I will discuss the bag o' tricks needed as a sub in a classroom.

First, a sub needs to know the students' bag of tricks: a) endless bathroom breaks; b) thousands of treks to the water fountain; c) forays to the nurse's office; d) mandatory expeditions to the electric pencil sharpener.

LOST's need to have the moxie to keep these stalling techniques to a minimum. The students know that if they keep asking to do one, or all four, of these things, they can guarantee that the sub will either lose his or her mind, and/or no work will get done.

The first trick in our bag is: a) No bathroom breaks for 45 minutes of class. Then, if you have a younger group, take them ALL to the bathroom at the same time. If there are some who don't want to go to the bathroom, offer water breaks at that time. Hence, when you return to the room in 10 to 15 minutes, all requests should have been filled. For older students, they can wait until recess for water and/or bathroom breaks since their bladders are more developed.

The next thing needed for a sub is, NO PENCIL SHARPENING AFTER THE BELL RINGS! Nothing is more irritating than the rrr-rrr-rrr-rrrr--rrrr-rrrr-rrrr-rrrrrrrrr-rrrrrrrrr-ing of an electric pencil sharpener. And yes, it is possible to watch a student stand at the pencil sharpener and grind a new,six-inch pencil down to a nub AND STILL HAVE A BROKEN POINT ON THE *&^%$%! PENCIL! Do they know it's irritating? YES, that's why they do it. (The answer in a nutshell)

Finally, the obligatory request to see the nurse. If the student has blood on an "owie", the answer is yes. If they have a bug bite, are vomiting, are in tears, or look green, they can go to the nurse. Otherwise, it's probably a trick and you'll end up having five kids in the nurse's office by the end of the day.

For the edification of those who want to know; if you walk out of a classroom after seven hours without crying in front of students or administrators, you've had a successful day. Even if you do cry, you've had more experience at realizing what doesn't work.

We will discuss more of what is needed in a LOST's bag o' tricks at another posting.